I Wake to Sleep
by Sunlight Through Ice
Summary: The humans have gained a small foot hold with the help of the native Souls. However, not everything is going as planned. Includes the family of Souls with a human child who Wanderer observed in the park during a raid. R
1. The Awakening

**Disclaimer:**_** "The Host" and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyers. My own OCs belong to me.**_

**Summary: **The humans have gained a small foot hold with the help of Souls who have gone native. More and more Souls are being extracted and sent to other planets. However, not everything is going as planned. Some Souls have been in their hosts too long. What happens when a host retains the Soul's personality and characteristics as its own? Will the body be able to become its own person and will the host's loved ones come to terms with the Soul's loved ones?

**Chapter One**

**The Awakening **

They said that waking up is like coming back to life. That sleep is like a little death. Some poet once called sleep the sister of death. I couldn't remember the name of the poet, my host was not gifted with an extraordinary memory; in fact, I found it forgot things rather easier than I would have liked. This is why it was so hard for me to place where I was. But it was a bit like coming back from the grave, wondering where you are and how you came to be there. I opened my eyes and looked around.

I was laying on my side, my hands clasped between my knees in a protective gesture, my face half turned away from the dim yellow light that fluttered from overhead. I was drooling onto my pillow, a habit I could not break my host of, so I closed my mouth with a snap and wiped my chin. No one was in the small room which seemed to be a shabby version of a healing facility. What was I doing here? I pushed myself half upright and rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I looked around.

Shabby was perhaps too kind of a word for the room. Five other beds were scattered around the room with crisp white sheets and thin green blankets. They were neat and clean but empty save for mine. The beds were good, but little else met standard. The walls were faded gray paint and spotted with brown spray paint. The floor was smooth concrete but cracked in long lines that led to a rusty drain in the center of the room. This room was for the physical comfort of the body, not the pleasing aesthetic of the eye.

But why was I here? Something was niggling at the back of mind, something important but I couldn't put my finger on it.

A sound of footsteps in the hallway brought me to my feet. I was a little shaky and had to hold myself up with a hand on the bed. A sharp memory of chloroform filled my mind and I gasped a little. I had been drugged!

I heard a sharp intake of breath and I looked up. A young man stood in the doorway staring at me. A smile spread across his face and he held up his empty hands. He was dressed in the light blue scrubs of a Healer and his face was too young, too eager to be a doctor.

"You're awake!" he announced.

I stared at him my heart jumping into hyper drive, "You're human."

He was startled at my words and my actions as I backed away. I must kill my host and myself before he has a chance to touch me. I struggle to find the courage as the important something screams silently at me to stop.

"It's okay, I know you're confused," he began, "But I'm going to hurt."

I close my eyes and withdraw my attachments. I wait for the pain; it would be terrible, but brief. I wait; it seems to be taking a long time. Still nothing, have they somewhere removed my only defense? Have the humans discovered our weakness? Panic shoots through me and I fall, hitting my head a loud crack against the metal bed. The floor is hard when I land but I do not notice it. I am sobbing and crying, blubbering as my partner Patrick would say. My partner!

"I'm not going to hurt you," the Healer who was not a Healer said. He was close beside me and trying to comfort me as I twisted away, "Please, your head is bleeding let me take a look at it."

I continue to press away from him. I feel hands under my arms and the next moment I was lying in the bed again. I don't struggle, but I cover my face with my hands as I weep. The Healer sighs in annoyance and walks to the door.

"I need some help in here. Bring some Clean, Heal and some food please. Somebody go and find Wanda for me."

"Is she awake?" comes an answering voice.

He glances back at me, I can feel it, but he turns away and answers, "Kinda."

He comes back to the bed and I roll away from him, pressing my face into the pillow. I am sensible of the pain on the back of my skull but the pain of the wound is little beside the fear that is overwhelming my system. Where was Patrick? What had they done to me? To him? To our baby?

"It'll be okay soon," the Healer says with a sigh, "My sister is coming to talk to you. She's—one of you."

One of us? What was he talking about?

Footsteps in the hallway alert me to the presence of two new people. One of them is wearing perfume that wafts sweetly toward me as the wearer comes near. The other had brought in a tray that raddled against the hard floor. The jarring sound drowned out my sobs for a moment and I tried to catch my breath.

"What's wrong Jamie?" a high delicate voice, female, inquires.

"I'm not sure, Wanda. She woke up a few minutes ago. She's confused and I think—I think she still believes she's a Soul."

"What do you mean?" the gentle voice asks again. She isn't shocked merely curious.

"I mean, she got that look in her eyes that they do when they're going to kill themselves. When nothing happened she collapsed."

"I see," Wanda came nearer and smoothed my long red hair away from my face. I looked up at her expecting to see another wild human. Her eyes caught the light as if on purpose and I saw the reflective gleam of silver. We both gasped at the same moment.

"Jamie, she's—"

"You're a—," I began.

"Soul," we finished together.

"That impossible," Jamie, the Healer said coming to my side and clicking on a light pen. He flashed the light in my eyes and I shut them, tears springing in against the invasion of bright light, "My God," he said, "They're still silver."

I was suddenly mad, "Of course they are. Every Soul's eyes are silver in these hosts."

I looked at the young woman; she was really no more than a girl. She was tiny and petite in the extreme, but her eyes were knowing and –kind, "What have you done to me?"

"Let Healer Jamie take care of your head, you're bleeding badly," she said, "And I will explain. Lily, please go and find Melanie for me will you?"

I noticed the third person for only a moment before she disappeared into the corridor again. My head was beginning to ache terribly and I felt that if they were going to kill me that it could not come soon enough. Such is the weakness of the human body.

I moved so my head was easy to reach, the blood still seeping from the torn skin.

"Open your mouth," Jamie instructed. When I looked at him in suspicion, Wanda smiled.

"He only wants to give you some No Pain," she explained, "To ease the headache."

I obeyed. I knew No Pain; I had had to use it when giving birth. It was pleasant and not a threat. He laid the little tissue square on my tongue and I swallowed.

"Now," Wanda said taking a silent cue from the Healer, "Why don't you tell me who you are?"

"Ruby Light On Snow," I answered.

"I'm pleased to meet you," she said, "I am Wanderer here. Most people call me Wanda for short."

"You're a Soul."

"Yes, I am," she met my gaze frankly.

"But these are—humans," I said, "Wild humans."

"They are," Wanda waited for a moment, "So are you—now."

"What do you mean?" I said, "I am the Soul Ruby Light On Snow. I am not a human being."

"Ruby," Wanda began. She knit her fingers together and rested them on my bed. She seemed to be searching for the right words. I felt the damp spray of Clean again my head and the application of Heal a moment later. The ache was long gone.

"Ruby, your Soul was removed five days ago. You are no longer a Soul. You are only the Host now."

"The Host," I stuttered, "That's impossible."

"Your—Soul is in a Cryotank in storage," Jamie said smoothing my hair over my shoulder, "She is perfectly safe, "We haven't harmed her and we don't intend to."

"But—I am. _I _am still here," I touch my face where the tears are drying in tight salty tracks.

"I don't understand that," Wanda said, "We've never seen that before. We hoped that your host would—come back."

"My Host?"

"Her name was Phoebe Elliot," Jamie said coming around to Wanda's side, "Your brother Aaron helped us find you and bring you in."

"My brother?" I repeated. I suddenly sat up, "I have to go back."

"You can't," Jamie said, "We can't let you do that."

"But I have to—my partner will be looking for me. He'll be so worried—and the baby."

"The baby," they said together. Jamie's eyes bulged and Wanda put a hand on his arm.

"What baby?" Wanda all but whispered.

"My baby, me and my partner's baby." I swallowed, "Our human baby."

"Oh my God," Wanda whispered in horror, "I know you. I've seen you before. Oh Jamie, what have we done?"

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	2. And take my waking slow

**Disclaimer:**_** "The Host" and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyers. My own OCs belong to me.**_

**Chapter Two**

**And take my waking slow**

_We had decided on a home birth. After reading a lot of materiel on the subject of human birth, we agreed that a home birth seemed the most comfortable and natural. The Healers were delighted with our choice. We had carefully watched our son grow during the nine months of his gestation, marking the changes in him as he developed. I grew to love the steady pumping of his heart below mine. As a Soul, I would never know the true joy of my physical children; I would never see them. But this baby, this tiny one was as much my child as they would be and I would see him born, watch him grow and learn. I would be able to love him with my living body not just the sacrifice of my death._

_Patrick had lain beside me every night keening observing the growth of my midsection. He insisted on measuring it every Sunday and keeping track of the change. He planted a kiss on the round bulge every time, looking up at me. Love shone from his eyes like the light from the sun. The deep brown was illuminated by his Soul, sending washes of tenderness over me. I would comb my fingers through his graying chestnut curls and pull him up to me. Our kisses were very different._

I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I traced the patterns the water damage had worked into the plaster. One of them looked like a crab. Lily, the nurse from earlier came and said, "We're having dinner now. You can come out to the dining room if you want."

"I don't want to thanks," I answer waspishly.

"Okay," she hesitated, her golden face thoughtful, "I'll bring you a tray."

"I don't want anything," I answered.

"Look," she said annoyed, "You haven't' really eaten in a week and you're getting weaker. If you don't eat we'll have Kyle come in here and force feed you."

I had seen the human called Kyle, a large well muscled man with a grim and unforgiving face. I shuddered, "Fine. I'll do it your way."

I slid off the bed and into a pair of faded slippers someone had provided for me. I followed Lily out into the corridor and down to the stairway. The building they held me in was an old prison that hadn't been used in many years. The humans used it for a hospital and removal station as well as a hidden out from the Souls. The doors were all locked well so that people who wanted to go back to their lives outside couldn't. People like me.

About fifteen people lived in the prison. They were led by a hard faced woman called Magnolia and a young couple, Melanie and Jared. This was only a halfway house of sorts. They brought the dangerous ones here for removal and only moved them to the real safe house when they could be trusted. I wasn't anywhere near that point yet and I knew it. Since I had woken up to find myself imprisoned with humans and supposedly bereft of my Soul, all I could think about was Patrick and the baby.

I had tried to explain that the baby needed me, really needed me. He was only a human after all and couldn't do anything for himself. He was just beginning to cut his teeth when I'd been taken. And Patrick, so given to worry and fret, what would he think happened to me?

The thought of my partner filled me with yearning. I had found him here on earth and had fallen in love with him (as humans say) from the first time I met him. He was unlike any of the Souls I had ever met before. His host was older than mine. I was only 23 and he was 41. Other Souls had explained that such a difference in age for a couple was unusual for humans. But since we had discarded so many conventions of humanity why did we need to let that bother us? I felt brave with Patrick; nothing in the world could frighten me when I was with him.

But here, among these brutal humans, what could I be other than afraid?

"Humm," Lily smacked her lips, "Smells likes tacos tonight."

"I don't like spicy food," I answered.

She glanced at me, "You that's the first thing you've said to me that wasn't forced."

I looked at her but didn't answer. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, "Suit yourself."

We reached the bottom of the stairs that opened right into a large room that had served as the prison cafeteria. People were scattered all around eating, talking and laughing. A few people looked my way but they were evidently used to seeing strangers appear from nowhere. The thought that my kidnappers were in the room sent a chill down my spine, but none of the faces seemed familiar. Lily walked to the line and grabbed a plastic tray, handing me to as well. My stomach churned and the smell of food reminded me that I hadn't eaten in ages. I was suddenly starving.

"Look who's here!" I looked up and say Healer Jamie ladling out soups from a large steaming pot. His youth struck me again and his smile disarmed me somewhat. He had been visiting nearly everyday trying to discover the reason for my eyes remaining silver and reflective. But he never over stayed his welcome; he was sensitive for a youth.

"Hello," I answered quietly.

"Soup?" he offered a bowl in his free hand.

"It is spicy?"

He looked at it, "Nah, vegetable I think. Want some?"

"Yeah," I held out my tray and he set the brimming bowl down gently.

"Thank you," I answered.

"No problem," he smiled, "Make sure to try Ruth Ann's tamales, they're delicious."

"She doesn't like spicy food," Lily reminded him, "do we have anything left over from lunch? Rolls or salad or something?"

"Sure," he looked around while trying to fill another bowl, "Hey, Bertie! Bring out a few lunch rolls and a bowl of salad for Ruby."

A small dark boy about six looked up from his coloring on one of the metal counters in the kitchen. He nodded and dashed off. I was surprised to see someone so young among them. He was still very younger in human years and here he was working among them. I looked up to find a woman, surely his mother she looked so alike, watching me. She nodded slowly in greeting, but she was not welcoming.

"Come on," Lily said, "He'll bring it to us. I want to grab a seat beside Candy, you'll like her."

I followed silently setting my tray down beside Lily's at a long bench table. I had only seen this kind of table in a school before and I felt strange sitting at one. All around us conversations flowed cheerily. It was hard to think of these humans as dangerous in this friendly atmosphere but I knew that a moment's notice could turn them into violent enemies in a few seconds. I had learned enough about my emotions to know that.

"Hey Lil," the woman call Candy greeted, "Who's your friend?"

"This is Ruby Light On Snow," Lily introduced, "But we're all calling her Ruby."

"Nice to meet you," Candy held out a hand. I clasped it hesitantly as I sat expecting some danger. Her hand was soft with work and age, but strong and steady, "Do you like being called Ruby?"

"I suppose," I answered touched that she would even think to ask. No one else had.

Lily bit into her taco a thoughtful look on her face. She jostled the food around her mouth a bit and said, "Isn't that just like you, Candy. You know I never thought to ask her that."

"It's okay," Candy assured her, "I only ask because when I first—you know—I caught wanting people to call me Summer Song. I mean, I didn't, but I was used to hearing it."

"Is that why it took you longer to remember your own name?" Lily asked swallowing. I was relived. I disliked people who spoke with their mouths full.

"Maybe," Candy said using a knife and fork to eat her tamale, "How about you Ruby? What's your name?"

"Ruby," I said.

"Oh, you haven't remembered your old name yet, eh? Never mind it'll come in time," she said, "Hey Bertie, what'cha got there?"

"It's for her," the little boy said setting a plate with two wheat rolls and another with salad on it beside my tray, "Mom says there's no other dressing 'cept the pink kind."

I looked at the dressing. I could tell from the smell it was Thousand lsland, "That's alright," I said kindly to him, "I like the pink kind."

He smiled at me as he ran away and I felt another pang of yearning for my own baby, my arms folded over my chest on their own as if searching for the baby I was missing. The action didn't go unnoticed by Candy.

"Are you okay?"

"No," I answered honestly. I didn't say anymore but picked up my fork and ate my salad. Despite the anguish in my heart I couldn't deny my host the food it needed any longer. I ate mechanically bringing the food to my mouth and swallowing. I didn't engage in anymore conversation for the rest of the meal and thankfully the two women didn't try to work it out of me.

"Did you hear how Melanie's doing?" lily asked, "Last time I saw her she wasn't feeling so well."

"Stomach bug," Candy said sipping her water bottle, "It'll be gone in a few days."

"I heard she might be—you know, pregnant," Lily lowered her voice a few degrees.

Candy shook her head no, "Definitely not. Jared and Mel are real careful about that. Neither one of them wants to bring a baby into a world like this. At least not now. Besides, they're needed so much on the raids that we can't do without them. Jared's great but if Mel was laid up with a baby he'd be too distracted. He couldn't go for us."

"There's always Wanda and Ian. Burns too if we need him," Lily pointed out, "Folks should have families if they want them."

"Yeah, but Wanda's so tiny and helpless." Candy said, "And you know Ian wouldn't let her out of his sight on a raid. No. Its better that they don't start a family now. Better for everyone."

Lily glanced at a couple sitting at the next table, "Course, some people felt alright about it."

I followed their line of sight until it stopped on the couple. It was Kyle and his partner, Sunny. She was dandling a fat baby with a crown of black curls on her lap. She was making faces and talking to the infant bringing her face close enough to touch and then pulling back in mock surprise. The baby would reach for her and screech with laughter when she pulled away. Kyle, his arm around Sunny's back, watched over them with real affection in his eyes. It was the first time I had seen him look so harmless. The baby's giggles made my heart twist and I looked away trying to close out the sound.

"Yeah, little Kurt was a surprise though. I mean, they weren't planning on it and knowing Kyle they weren't being careful then. But I think it'll turn out alright. Besides I like babies," Candy said wistfully.

"Have you heard anything about your kids?" Lily reached across the table and patted her friend's hand.

"No. Jared said that they would look for files on them on the next raid but I don't want to get up my hopes. Chances are they're on the other side of the world."

"Well don't give up hope," Lily encouraged.

"Well, what are you lovely ladies doing all alone?" a voice drawled above us. I twisted around to see a large man with graying ginger hair standing over us.

"Just passing the time," Candy said, "How about you?"

"Escaping Ruth Ann's cooking," he mock grabbed his stomach, "_Shuwee_ but that woman uses too much spice in them tacos."

"They're mild," lily said, "For a big man like you I expected more guts."

"I know but they dang burned up when I ate them," he stabbed a finger at her plate, "I actually came along to introduce myself to this little missy." He turned his beaming gaze on me. I dropped my eyes.

"This is Ruby," Candy said, "She's the new one."

"Mighty glad to meet you Ruby," he said grabbing my hand when I didn't offer it. My hand was swallowed in his and I was grateful when he released it, "I see you've more sense than to eat that Mex-y-can fare."

"I don't like spicy food," I felt like a parrot.

He jostled my shoulder with his massive paw and said, "At a girl. So where are you from?"

"Don't you all know?" I suddenly stood forcing him to back away, "You all kidnapped me from there."

I felt my half eaten tray and bolted for the door the way I had come. Instantly several of the men stood and followed me. I knew they were going to follow me back to my room but I didn't care. I knew there was no way for me to escape them. Behind me I could hear Russell saying, "What did I say?" I wanted to slam the door behind me but I couldn't I ran up the stairs as fast as I could until I reached the floor with my room. I did slam the door there and flung myself on my bed.

My eyes burned with unshed tears but I could not make myself cry. I wanted to cry for Patrick and my baby and all the friends I would probably never see again. I wanted to cry for the cryotank that held my Soul and I wanted to cry for how alone I was surrounded by people.

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

They sent a Comforter.

Or rather, they sent their version of a Comforter. Ian O'Shea, Kyle's brother, who could almost be his twin, was nothing like the big rough man I had met first. Ian was calm and soothing in his presence, he waited for you to take your time. His silence encouraged confidence rather than unease. He sat on the bed across from mine, his hands balancing him on the edge. His frank blue eyes were well trained to invite sharing without seeming too intrusive.

"I miss my baby," I whispered,

I was sitting on my bed, my legs pulled up so my knees almost touched my chin. I let my long red hair fan around my face like a curtain. My ponytail holder had snapped that morning and I hadn't asked for a replacement. I wanted to hide; I was being childish.

"I know you are. I'm sorry. Aaron didn't know you were married or had a family," he said his deep voice filled with sincerity, "We wouldn't have just taken you like that if we had know."

"I suppose you would have taken Patrick instead," I answered, "And then the rest of us."

"It would have been better if we had been prepared to take you all but," Ian paused, "You don't really want them here with you, do you?"

"Here? With you—people?" I looked at him, "Of course not. The danger is too great here."

"We'd never hurt you, you do know that," Ian said.

"You took my Soul," I said, "How is that not hurting?"

"You are alive and awake as a human being," he said calmly, "You are alive. At least, Phoebe Elliot's body is alive."

"There is no Phoebe Elliot here," I said clearly, "There has been. Not since she was eight years old."

"I know," he answered, "We've found over time that people who received an insertion early in life have less chance of coming back to themselves. Aaron wanted to try. I don't think any of us expected you to retain the memories you had formed as a Soul."

"I am a Soul," I insisted, "Why must you always make it sound like I'm not!"

He waited and I realized that my flash of anger was not in character for me. I closed my eyes.

"Whatever part of your formative memory reminded after the insertion, it must have picked up all of the Soul's thoughts and feelings. Human beings are amazingly adaptive creatures and I wouldn't be surprised that Phoebe Elliot survived by becoming part of you."

I didn't answer again. It was just easier not to. I shifted on the bed and picked at my pant leg. I had been given a pair of scrubs to wear while my own clothes were being laundered and I disliked the blue of the material, it made my skin yellowish. I looked at Ian O'Shea and he looked back, without malice or intent, he just looked back.

"I don't want to see my brother," I said finally.

"You remember your brother," he prompted.

I winced inwardly. I hadn't meant to admit that much. I didn't really remember Aaron. It was more of an impression of him anyway. A narrow face with too many freckles, strawberry blond hair and too pale gray eyes. In my memory that wasn't a memory, his face was blanched of healthy color and his expression was serious. He seemed a great deal older than I, in my mind at least.

"I don't know," I said at last, "It has been ten years. I doubt I would recognize him now."

"You never know," Ian replied comfortably, "He might have been in the cafeteria last night."

"No he wasn't," I was quick to say. Ian could not hide the pleasure in his eyes at my assured tone.

"Oh?"

"I would have seen him," I muttered. I cleared my throat and said, "Is there anyway, anyway at all that I could go back to my family?"

"I'm afraid not," he answered, "We can't risk the lives of everyone in this building on you."

"The risk of kidnapping me wasn't too great?"

"That was Aaron's choice. When he found out you were alive and where you lived he went after you himself. None of us would have allowed him to simply take you the way he did. We're more careful than that. We would have seen you with your husband and child."

"And you would have left us alone?" I closed my eyes. The answer was painful.

"Yes, we would have. Given the reaction that Souls have to the thought of captivity we wouldn't have wanted to risk your deaths for the sake of even one of our families' lives."

I wanted to slap him, "How can you say that? How can you claim to care so much for one of us and yet wrench us away from our loved ones?"

"Phoebe was Aaron's loved one, his kid sister. What about his pain?" Ian's tone was not accusing but I felt the barb.

"If he cared so much why didn't he stay to see if I would live?" I whispered bitterly.

"When you failed to wake the first few days we were afraid that you never would. We've seen the pattern enough before to know whether or not an extraction will be successful. Aaron couldn't bear the thought of seeing--he couldn't bear losing his sister all over again. He left on a raid the night before you woke. We were going to replace your Soul when you woke up."

I wanted to die inside. The thought that I might have won, I might have at least won the right to die in peace, had slipped through my fingers perhaps by seconds. I dropped my head into my hands. The bed beside me screeched as he stood and came to my side. He didn't touch me but I felt he wanted to, to reassure me.

"Give it time, Ruby," he encouraged, "Nobody said that things will make sense today or tomorrow. No one expects you to understand everything now. You have all the time in the world."

"My baby son is cutting his first teeth and I am missing it," I gasped tearlessly, "God knows how many things about his short life I'll miss. Or if I'll ever see him again. You don't have children, how could you possibly know what that feels like?"

I glared at him and saw compassion in his gaze, compassion but a frank lack of understanding. He couldn't know how it felt to have your baby torn away from you so suddenly and completely. I vaulted off the opposite side of my bed and stormed out into the hall. Suddenly I couldn't stand the thought of living in that tiny room one second longer.

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

"Hey! You can't go that way!" voice after voice shouted after me.

"What is she doing?"

"She's making a break for it!"

"Stop her. Where's Jared?"

"Is she crazy?"

I filed away each exclamation as I fled through the prison, fining ways through the doors whenever they came between me and freedom. I was surprised and angry to find that most of them weren't even locked. I had thought they were. They were smart, as long as I thought they were locked they were safe; I was imprisoning myself.

Now that I knew I found myself racing through the doors toward the outer world. They would kill me before I reached real freedom, I knew that much. But I didn't care anymore. Life as I had known and loved it was over. Even if they found Patrick and the baby I wouldn't want them to be brought to this scrubby hole of humanity, hiding and operating in secret.

My palms burned where they had smacked against metal doors, paint peeling and flaking onto my skin. Sweat streaked down my face and I panted heavily. I was out of shape perhaps but I had never needed to prepare for such a situation in my life. People were speeding up behind me and soon I would be brought down by a bullet or another body. I fumbled with another lock and found myself face to face with Melanie Stryder.

"Ruby what are you doing here?" she demanded standing. She was my match easily in height and strength. No, she was definitely stronger than me.

"Please," I begged breathlessly, "Let me go back. I—I promise I won't tell anyone where you are. I just have to get back to my family."

"We can't let you," Melanie said his eyes going behind me obviously seeing Kyle, Russell and anyone else who could ran fast enough to catch me.

"You don't understand. I can't stand being away from them."

"I do understand," she said quickly, "More than you know. But ruby if you do this we will have to stop you."

"You'll have to kill me first," I said.

"We don't want to do that," Melanie edged in front of the door.

"Don't try to stop me," I said taking a step forward that surprised both her and me.

She met my gaze with steel in her eyes, "What are you going to do Ruby? Are you going to attack me? Are you going use violence to get back to your family?"

"How can you?" I screamed at her. My heart lurched painfully in my chest, "How can you even say that? What choice do you give me? You've robbed me of my freedom and my life in one action but I'm the bad one because I want to leave? What have you done that would convince me to stay? All you've done it made me question who I really am and deny me the one fact I was sure of in my life."

"What fact was that?"

"That I was a Soul and would never use violence against another Soul," I said. The hair on the back of my neck stood as I realized that the noises sounds of pursuit had ceased several minutes before. I knew without looking around that they were waiting for Melanie's signal to move in me. Something of the steel in Melanie's gaze settled in me and I licked my lips, "But you're not a Soul."

I dove passed her, using the last of my meager strength to shove her out of the way. She wasn't expecting that and she floundered a bit before hitting the ground. I felt sick as I raced by through the last door. A second later pain exploded in my right shoulder and left leg. I stumbled a moment trying to go on. But the next thing I knew I hit the dry ground hard, dust filled my mouth. My hands clawed at the dirt still seeking to find a way from the humans. Away from them.

Shoes and boats filled my field of view and my head swam. Voices shouted and argued above me. I didn't even attempt to understand. I wanted them to finish me off with one more bullet. Just get it over with. Just as I slipped my consciousness I heard one voice shouting.

"Aaron's back!"

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	3. I Feel My Fate in What I Cannot Fear

**Disclaimer:**_** "The Host" and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyers. My own OCs belong to me.**_

**Chapter Three**

**I Feel My Fate in What I Cannot Fear**

He was sitting by my bed when I woke; he was sagging in the chair asleep. I sighed inwardly; I was alive.

I was heavily bandaged around my shoulder and calf. I felt no discomfort and realized I had the after flavor of No Pain on my tongue. They would never give me what I wanted. I tried to move but when I did I realized that my left arm was secured to the metal railing of the bed and my right hand was in the loose hold of my host's brother. He was younger than I remembered, but care and worry had aged him. His blond hair had been shorn close to his head and his face had become lean and hollow. Ten ages rest heavily on him.

Perhaps the No Pain was having a curious effect on me, but I was not repulsed by this man who was my host's brother. I let my hand rest in his for a moment before slowly removing it. He stirred, rubbing his face with his free hand before jerking fully awake and looking at me. I froze what would he say? Would he force me to hug him?

"Phoebe," he started and then stopped, "You're an ass, you know that?"

I blinked in shock, "What?"

"I said, you're an ass," he repeated harshly, "What the hell did you mean by running off like that getting yourself shot?"

I was too stunned to reply. His face was taunt with emotion and he leaned off the edge of his chair a little too much. It tipped and he almost fell before catching himself on the bed and standing. His wobbling made me laugh.

"Hey! That's not funny," he said, but his eyes were bright with recognition. He knew that laugh—my laugh. _My _laugh.

"Yes, it is," I said smothering my giggles. I felt giddy and light headed, "It would have been funnier if you'd have fallen on your butt."

His face relaxed into a smile and he came to my side, "Phoebe."

My smile faded, "They didn't tell you?"

He shook his head, "What do you mean?"

"Look, Aaron, I am not your sister. I am the Soul Ruby light on Snow. I'm not—who you want me to be."

His expression grew hard and his lips pressed to a thing line, "They said they removed the Soul. They said you woke up on your own—they said."

"What they was true," I stopped him, "But regardless of that, I am Ruby Light on Snow. I am not Phoebe Elliot."

His expression was so crestfallen I added a soft, "I'm sorry."

He turned away and picked up the fallen chair, setting it upright on its legs. He kept his face hidden from me and I realized he was hiding his emotions from me in the usual way. I knew enough of human males that in most situations shame and crying were closely tied together. His shoulders heaved as he drew in a deep breath before he faced me again.

"It's not your fault," he suddenly said, "You weren't responsible for what happened to you. Whether or not you feel like my sister, it is my sister who is in living inside you now that the parasite is gone."

"I am not a parasite, I'm a Soul." I felt anger flush through me, "And there is no Phoebe Elliot here, just me. Just Ruby."

He shook his head again but allowed the subject to drop.

"I've seen your family," he said.

My heart raced, "Patrick? The baby? How are they? You didn't bring them here did you?"

"No, I didn't bring them. I went alone just to see them. When you didn't wake up I wanted to see—I wanted to see where you lived. Your baby—he looks a lot like you."

"How is he?" I asked. I felt my throat clog with tears and I tried to shake the feeling; he hadn't even said anything yet.

"He's fat—you've got a fat baby, Phoebe. I swear to God, he's gonna die of a heart attack before he's three if you keep feeding him like that." Aaron's voice was awkward with his teasing. I realized how strange it was for him to consider the fact that his younger sister had mothered a child and that child was alive and well. But what he said made me frown.

"The Healers always said he was very healthy for his age. We're very careful about his health—we must be. The Healers say that if he does no thrive on his own that it may be necessary for him to have a Soul implanted in him to save his life."

Aaron's mouth tightened again and I knew I had said the wrong thing.

"You mean to say that your baby doesn't have a Soul in him?"

I swallowed, "No, he doesn't. Patrick and I didn't want him to-."

"Who is Patrick anyway?" Aaron suddenly asked, "Did they arrange a marriage for you? Do they make you do that? Marry people and have kids? If they forced you in any way I swear to--."

"They never force us into anything," I told him. My hand reached out and I took one of his awkwardly in mine, "I was very happy with him."

His fingers closed over mine and he said, his voice husky, "I missed you so much, Phoebe. I know you haven't been happy since you woke up but I promise it will get better. You'll remember more things and soon you won't want to go back."

I struggled with my confusing emotions. I wanted to reassure this man who was my brother. It was so obvious that he needed his sister back. But I wanted to make him understand my need to get back to my family. I needed them just as much. A little thrill of fear went through me as I realized I wanted this wild human being to be happy.

"I'm thirsty," I lied, "Can you bring me something to drink?"

"Sure," he brought me a plastic cup of cool water and helped me half sit so I could drink it. As he laid me back down he apologized.

"Sorry they had to cuff you but they have to be careful. If you run away again you might not get the good treatment you got this time."

"They shot me," I said dryly, "I expected them to kill me."

"Be grateful we didn't," Healer Jamie's telltale voice said cheerfully from the door. He was smiling again; he seemed very pleased with himself. He walked to my opposite side and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, except for my inability to move."

His grin faltered, "Um, well, that was a precaution that was decided on. We could heal you with the medicine your—the Souls created, but if you were forced to heal naturally that would keep you immobile long enough for you to get used to being here."

"And for you to have time to recall memories from your past," he finished with a significant look at Aaron.

I understood. I couldn't be trusted and so I was going suffer the long and unnecessary healing process the human body was required to endure. My spirit fell within me; I couldn't have asked for a worse fate.

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

Despite my injuries I was quite mobile around the prison. Jamie and Aaron made sure I was out and about the building during nearly every meal and for the majority of the day. I knew they wanted me to make friends and forge loyalties with the humans. I understood why they wanted this too. Unfortunately this didn't stop the humans from trying to be friends. Russell, the large self termed redneck, was overly concerned with being friendly. He told me why my first day out of my room.

"Ya see, I shot ya," he said his eyes watering, "I hated to—I really did. But ya, see, if I didn't it would'a been one of the others and they ain't none of them the kinda shot I am. I'm the best marksman here and I knew I wouldn't hurt ya. Much," he laced his big awkward hands together and kept his head bowed, "I'm right sorry, I had to."

"I see," I didn't have anything to reassure him with although I did feel for him. He seemed gentle and slow in comparison to some of the others. He didn't acted rashly and his movements were cautious and disarming. The humor of this and his actions against me struck me with their irony.

"You were only doing what they told you to," I finally said, "And I'm not in any pain. They are making sure I am comfortable if not completely well."

"I told'em ya'd not try and run again iffen they healed ya, but I guess they don't want to take the chance," he said, "And Aaron's fit to be tied that you learn to be happy here."

"Aaron is hoping for too much," was my cutting reply, "I don't blame him, but he isn't being reasonable."

Russell nodded, "I heard that he took ya away from ya little one. That ain't right, I don't think, but he weren't thinking straight. Soon as any of us finds out about one of our own, our sense goes clear out the winda. Aaron just did what the rest of us woulda done. He loves ya a lot."

"I'm sure he does."

Russell felt my insincereity and rebuked me, "Now don't go doin' that. Don't go pretenin' ya care iffen ya don't. I don't reakon ya got much call to love about us now, but ya don't have any call to pretend ya do. That's just plain mean and I don't see that kinda mean in ya."

"You don't know me," I snapped, "And whenever I try to explain about myself all you tell is that I can't be who I say I am! It's frustrating and maddening."

"Don't ya see though? That's it right there!" he said pointing a meaty finger at my face, "That there anger is you! That ain't a Soul talking, that's a human talking. Now I don't pretend to know what is going on in ya head, maybe the real you and the Soul you got all mixed up inside, but ya coming out either way. My advice is to just try and stop fighting us to figure out who ya really are."

I looked at Russell, his heavily jowled face alight with good will and country wisdom and I decided then and there that he was right. I was embarrassed that he had picked up on what I had missed. I was acting like a human not a Soul. Over the last few days I had not only lost my family but I had lost the Soul that had defined who I was. It was as if I had been cut loss of what had made me Ruby Light on Snow. In the eyes of the humans, I was Phoebe Elliot and my image of who I was had been shaken to the foundations.

It was only when a handkerchief was pressed into my hand that I realized I was crying. Tears slid down my face in hot steady drops and my nose was running. I scrunched the materiel against my eyes and sobbed. A moment later Russell's big arms were wrapped around me and he was patting my shoulder.

"There, there now, you just cry ya eyes out sweetie. I know how upset ya are."

I did cry. It was as if the sky had opened and all the grief and fear and worry poured out into the arms of this man. He smoothed my hair and patted my back as I soaked his shirt front with my tears. As the sobs subsided I merely leaned against him trying to control my breathing and feeling completely exhausted. My wounded limbs ached and my stomach was growling for food but I didn't move. Russell didn't speak and I eventually fell asleep listening to the beating of his heart.

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

Aaron sat me with Wanderer and her husband that evening at dinner. I was given a soft leather chair to sit in with consideration for my injuries. My shoulder was still heavily wrapped and my ability to move that arm was almost impossible. My leg was sore but I could walk on it as long as I propped it up afterward. A tray of food was set in front of me by Aaron and he walked away to sit with his companions at another table. Looking around, I could see Lily and Candy watching me, their expressions curiously hurt. Russell was with them but he refrained from making any awkward acknowledgements.

"How are you feeling?" Ian asked.

"Tired," I croaked, "I'm really tired."

Wanderer nodded, "I know what you mean. I think it's the heat, it saps the energy from everyone."

I looked at the dainty blond girl; she was so small and fragile that it seemed remarkable that she even existed in the desert at all.

"Are you in any pain?" she asked concernedly, "Jamie says you're healing well, but I can never get accustomed to human medicine."

"No, I'm fine really," I answered. Ian shot me a look that showed he saw more but he said nothing eating his supper with quick thorough bites. I looked down at my plate and the steaming vegetables and fried chicken sitting there. I was trying to find a way to eat it when Wanderer spoke again.

"I saw you once before you know."

I picked up my ears at this, she had mentioned that, "When?"

"Oh, it must eight or nine months ago now," she said tipping his blond head to the side if it would help her remember better, "You were in the park with your baby and your husband. You were swinging the baby or something. I noticed you because your baby was human."

"We go to the park a lot," I said recalling the many evenings, "We read that quality family time was required for the proper development of human beings and we wanted to give Noah the best care."

"Is Noah your son?" Ian asked quietly.

"Yes," my eyes dropped and I shoved my carrots around with my fork, "He's eight months old next Wednesday."

"If you don't mind my asking, what made you and your husband chose to have a human baby? The usual procedure is to have a Soul implanted at birth or soon afterward," Wanderer's eyes were curious.

"I-I don't know," I faltered. This was something I hadn't considered in a long time, "It wasn't a planned decision. When Noah was born we simply decided to wait for implantation until he had grown more but as he grew we just couldn't do it."

"But isn't that considered selfish by Souls in general? Since there are so many Souls waiting for a Host," Ian asked his blue eyes sparked with interest.

"Not at all," I answered. I nodded to Wanderer, "Your wife could tell you that. Motherhood is too highly respected for any aspect of it to fall under the will of anyone but the parents. Most Soul chose to have their infants implanted but that does not mean we are required to. Noah was so delightful as he was that we decided to allow him to develop naturally and make the choice himself in his youth. But now, I don't know what is happening to him."

My eyes dropped back to my food and I ate a forkful of carrots in the ensuing silence. Ian and Wanderer went on with their meal as much at a loss to know what to say as I was. The ache in my chest was growing familiar now. I looked up at the young couple and caught their eyes with mine.

"I know you're trying to help me. I know you're friends with Aaron and that you want us both to be happy. But I'm not happy and I won't be because I don't have my family with me. Russell tells me that you do everything you can to win back family members even risking your own lives to bring them here. But don't you see that you are committing the very same crime against me? I don't know any other family outside of my husband and baby."

"I'm sure that Aaron is lonely for his sister, but I am not Phoebe Elliot. Even if some shred of her exists in my brain, the woman who is living here right now is not Phoebe Elliot. I have no desire to turn you over to the Souls or to see you die at the hands of the Seekers. I just want to go home. Please, I need to go home."

Ian looked at Wanderer and she nodded ever so slightly.

He leaned forward and said, "That might be possible."

_**Review Please!**_


	4. I Learn by Going Where I Have to Go

**Disclaimer:**_** "The Host" and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyers. My own OCs belong to me.**_

_**Chapter Four**_

_**I Learn by Going Where I Have to Go**_

"No, I say no," Jared said firmly, "Absolutely not. She's already shown she's a risk to the community and I don't want to risk the lives of our people so she can go home for a visit."

"I agree," Magnolia agreed. She was a steely woman with iron gray hair, "We had to shoot her to keep her from running out into the open desert and I don't want to think about the problems she would cause in the city."

"But she's desperate," Wanda said, "For her baby."

"My point exactly," Jared said his tone soften imperceptibly as he turned to Wanderer. I shifted in my seat as I noticed this. It had become swiftly clear that everyone favored and protected Wanderer; she was physically one of the frailest humans I had ever seen and her gentle nature only added to that frailty.

"If Ruby is desperate, that will make her sloppy even if she has no intention of giving the rest of us away. I'm sorry, but we don't know her well enough to be able to believe she has our interests at heart. There is nothing about her behavior past or present that can give us any confidence."

"Besides, her face has probably been up all over the TV and internet," Magnolia said crisply, "If we took her anywhere it would be like flashing a big red flag. We'd be captured or dead before we even got to her home."

I wanted to say something but Wanderer put her hand on my knee and shook her head ever so slightly. I bit my lip and was silent; Ian and Wanderer were my only hope for getting back to my family and I wanted to give them the best chance of success.

"Think about it this way," one of the men, I hadn't heard his name, "If we do find them and bring them back and do the extraction—what if it doesn't take like with this woman? What if this parasite kills the host before we can remove it? Then the risk would have been for nothing and we would have been responsible for the death of a human being."

"And how can we afford to feed another family?" a voice piped up in the back.

"What if we lead the Seekers here?"

The tone of the discussion was rapidly spiraling out of control. I felt fear bubble up in my chest but again someone spoke before I could. Ian surged to his feet and held his arms out to quiet the crowd, his hard, clear eyes demanding attention before he spoke.

"Look everyone. I know we're afraid and I know we need to be careful. But we need to consider a few things. We are human beings, we're not Souls. We are not in the business of changing people's lives without consulting them. We've rescued people before who we knew could recover their pervious lives but this isn't the case with Ruby. Aaron," his eyes landed on my brother who stared hard at the tile floor, "Didn't consult anyone before he brought Ruby back and if he had we wouldn't have let him because of her age at insertion. But she was brought here and we took the Soul out."

"We know this, O'Shea," Jared said harshly, "It doesn't change things."

"I think it does," Ian countered, "We've never had a case where the impression of a Soul lingered on in a human host—at least, not to this extreme—but now that we are confronted with one we can't just ignore it. We're the cause of it and it's our responsibility to solve the problem."

"But your solution is too risky," Melanie spoke up for the first time. Her eyes slid to me and I flinched expecting to see hatred. Instead, I saw pity mingled with awareness. She at least knew what it was to host the consciousness of a Soul, "We can't risk everyone in group for the sake of one baby who is being cared for and isn't the victim of insertion. We have a hard enough time dealing with day to day life here to gamble for one person."

"Then let's take a vote," Magnolia said rising. Ian sat down beside Wanderer and she squeezed his hand.

"You tried," she whispered. Ian's eyes landed on me and I looked away as tears flooded them.

"I'm sorry," he told me. I nodded and wiped the drops away with my free hand.

The vote was heavily against me and as Ian carried me out of the meeting room I felt as if I left behind every hope for ever seeing my family again. Aaron stopped us in the hall, his face was tortured with grief and his breath was ragged.

"Ruby," he forced the name passed his lips, "Ruby, I'm so sorry. I didn't know—I didn't expect--."

"I think Ruby's too tired to talk much right now," Ian said, "Now is not the time to cleanse your soul, Aaron."

A vein popped in Aaron's neck at this insult. Tension was rife through his body and I suddenly remembered an image of a younger version of Aaron with haystack yellow hair and a pimply face frustrated and annoyed, his fists balled at his sides. That Aaron would have lashed out, but this Aaron swallowed and relaxed his stance by sheer will. He looked at me again.

"Get some rest, I'll come by later and see you," he locked eyes with Ian briefly and walked away down the hall. Wanderer released a breath she had been holding and Ian's shoulders relaxed. He smiled and settled me in his arms again.

"Come on, let's get you back to your room."

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

"You have such lovely hair," Lily told me. We were sitting on my bed several mornings after the meeting and Lily was helping me.

My leg and shoulder wounds made personal hygiene difficult on my own. It was humiliating to me to have another grown woman help me bathe and dress but I had no choice. Lily was very professional about her work and never went out of her way to make me feel awkward yet the feeling lingered. Now she was brushing my long hair out and trying to keep the tangles from becoming too troublesome.

"It's so thick and pretty," Lily went on, "I always wanted red hair."

"It's very hot here," I answered dully, "I don't like the feeling of it down my back."

"I know it would be nice to have air conditioning here but we can't get the electricity for it," she nodded, "I'll put it up in a bun, shall I?"

"If you want," I answered, "I don't care."

Lily sighed in annoyance behind me but I pretended not to notice. I was being childish and selfish, I knew that, but I had little reason to be obliging. A deep depression had fallen on me and I could not seem to shake out of it. I wasn't sure I wanted to. Suddenly air hit my neck and I realized that I had not heard the brush of the comb but the cool slicing sound of a pair of scissors.

"What did you just do?" I felt the back of my neck frantically. My fingers met only short, uneven ends, the cut strands swung around my cheeks and I gasped.

"What have you done?" I turned on her. She was taken aback by my anger but a triumphant gleam was in her dark eyes.

"I decided that a nice short cut would make more sense for you. Since you didn't care what happened to it," she held up the long lengths of my hair in her hand, a pain of silver scissors in the other, "Now you can comb it yourself and I don't have to put up with your whining anymore."

My eyes went from her face to my hair and back again. My new short hair tickled the back of my neck and suddenly I was laughing. Giggles erupted from my throat of their own accord as I was struck by the hilarity of the event. Lily smiled and then joined me in laughing. Her laugh was deep and throaty and infectious. Tears of laughter poured down my cheeks and we collapsed together, leaning on each other for support.

"What is goin' on in here?" Russell stuck his head around the door. His jaw dropped at the sight of my hair and Lily and I laughing our heads off. His face spilt into a huge grin and soon his big, bellowing laugh joined ours.

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

"I'm going to Burn's camp," Aaron told me, "Not for long, just for a while."

I nodded and shoveled a mouthful of peas into my mouth. Jared, Kyle and Wanderer had just come back from a raid and there was a lot of fresh produce at every meal.

"I hope you have a safe journey," I told him surprised that I truly meant it. I didn't ask where the other camp was because any such request would immediately be seen as an attempt to find an escape route, "Take enough water with you."

"I will," he looked at me for a long moment and I stopped eating.

"What?"

"You look—good. You seem better," was all he said.

"Thanks."

We fell into silence once more as we ate. Aaron had come to see me every day after the failed meeting and we ate nearly every meal together. He gave up trying to make me remember things I was clearly never going to recall. He did not press me about my life as a Soul and he refrained from making any comments about our parents. We were finally finding some common ground and I was no longer afraid of him. Our relationship was not what it could have been but the ever present thought of my family was too deep a wound to be overcome so quickly.

"What will you do while you're there?" I asked.

Aaron speared a green bean with his fork, "I work on mechanics for everyone in turn. A few of them have cars and some even have electricity and washers and dryers and stuff. When something breaks down, they call me and I go out and fix it."

"I didn't know you knew anything about electronics," I sipped my water and pushed my hair behind my ears.

"I didn't either," he answered with a grim smile, "But necessity is the mother of invention."

"Didn't Dad work on cars?" I asked.

Aaron's face paled under his tan but he kept his control, "Yeah, but he was more into sports models."

"Sports cars are superfluous," I said, 'They use too many resources and present too many dangers to the human race in general. They were all converted into more environmentally friendly vehicles several years ago."

Aaron's eyes sparkled, "That might be, but a few of them didn't."

"What?"

"Do you remember—never mind. Are you finished? I have something to show you."

"Um, sure," I pushed my plate away.

Aaron scooped me up and we headed for the stairs. No one bothered us as we headed to the ground level of the building. It was common knowledge that the few vehicles the camp used were kept in an underground garage. I had never had a reason to go down there before and certain people would have stopped me if they saw me so I didn't. Afterward my injuries kept me cornered.

"Hey Aaron!" a few of the guys called out as we went downstairs.

"Who are they?" I asked.

"They're the work crews," Aaron said, "When something rough and dirty needs to be done, they are the guys that do it."

"Don't they have names?" I asked amused, "do they just come in a bunch?"

"Dave, Phil and Brian," Aaron recited, "And sometimes one of the gals helps out."

"Everyone just helps out for nothing? You sound more and more like Souls every day."

"Not hardly," he sobered slightly, "Or I wouldn't have kept these."

He nudged a metal door open with his foot and we stepped into the cold, dark interior of the garage. I was placed on a cold leather and metal chair and the next moment a light flooded the parking garage. I gasped. The sleek and curvy figures of the sports car filled my immediate vision.

"Oh! What are they?" I asked.

Aaron did not try to hide the pride in his voice as he listed them off, "That yellow one is a Corvette, the blue one is a Charger and the green one near the back is an Austin Healy."

"What about the black one?"

"That's a Cutlass," Aaron explained, "I love it, but my favorite is the Jaguar. I helped dad with that one the summer before—you know before."

"I see. Can you take me for a closer look?"

He gave me a long searching look, "You're not going to scratch them up or anything?"

"No, of course not!" I itched to be closer, "Dad owned all these?" I breathed running my hands over the smooth curves of the cars.

The metal was cool and reassuring under my fingers and the bright colors of the paint was a delight to my eyes. There was color everywhere in the prison, but most of it was in the worn and muted clothing of the people. There was very little bright or bold color of any kind which made these startling blues and brilliant reds a treat.

"He owned some of them; the Austin Healy and the Cutlass belong to some guy at the other camp. We keep them here because it's safer and because we can reach a drivable road easier here." Aaron said pushing my chair carefully passed the vehicles as he named each one.

"They're beautiful," I traced my finger along one insignia, "No wonder you wanted to keep them."

"Even if they are a waste and a danger?" he grinned questioning down at me. I struggled for an answer and then said.

"Well, we keep species alive that are harmful for the same reasons so I think there might be room for these too."

Aaron threw back his head and laughed, "I knew I could convert you. No one could look at the craftsmanship of these cars and wonder where or not to preserve them. You used to help Dad on them too."

"Did I?" my hand paused on the handle of a door and I looked up at him, "What was he like?"

"Dad? You mean, what did he look like?"

"I suppose, what was he likes in personality?"

Aaron squatted down beside me, his face concentrated on the past, "He was—a quiet guy, you know. He didn't talk a lot and that might be why he liked fixing up cars, not much talking involved in that. Mom did most of the talking and he listened. Not that he didn't have opinions, he did, but he was real silent about it. I remember he usually kept himself to himself unless he really wanted to have something done. And when he said something Mom listened. I guess she realized that if he let her have her way the majority of the time that when he spoke it wasn't for nothing."

I took a breath, "Were they in love?"

Aaron's eyes snapped to my face and away as if the thought of our parents being love was embarrassing, "I don't know—I guess they were. All I know if that we were happy."

"I'm glad," I said my voice suddenly husky. I cleared my throat, "I'm sorry that you had to be alone for so long, Aaron. I'm sorry that I was so unkind to you."

He shifted awkwardly and shrugged, "I didn't expect it to go easy, you know."

"But you didn't expect it to be this hard either." He said nothing but I saw the truth of my statement in his expression, "I'm tired now, can you take me back upstairs? I'd like to lie down."

"Sure thing." He scooted my chair back to its place by the door and picked me up.

He just held me for a minute and I stared frankly back at him. All the mental pictures I could retrieve from my memory of Aaron were of his younger, gangly self. Now he was a grown old and his face was marked with hard living. But there was something reassuring about the lines around his soft blue eyes and his mouth; he reminded me of someone, probably my father, and I realized that I did care for this man. He was my brother.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder.

He sighed one hitching breath and said gruffly, "I missed you too kid."

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

"Now if you need anything, you just send a message on to me, okay?" Aaron said.

He was dressed in rough kakis with a worn backpack over one shoulder. He was uncertain as I was about him leaving. As often as the others were against me, as much as I knew the others distrusted me, as long as I was locked up in the prison, I always knew that Aaron was on my side. He had learned to trust me as I had him and now he was leaving.

"What do I do when you're gone?" I asked.

Aaron shrugged, "Try and get along with folks. They're good people, Ruby; they really are--if you only give them a chance. I know they aren't Souls and Souls are what you're used to, but now that you're straight up human, you need to trust your kind."

"I know," I forced a smile to my lips, "Can I visit the cars while you're gone?"

"I'll speak to the guys about before I leave. Maggie might object if she thought you were going to steal one but I'll lock up the keys." The twinkle in his eyes assured me he was joking.

"Take care of yourself, Aaron."

He nodded, "I will." He stepped forward a bit and hesitated before giving me a gentle hug with one arm, "Heal up and don't go trying to run away again."

"Since Magnolia told me the next shot would be the fatal one, I don't think I'll be taking that chance anytime soon."

He smiled faintly. Russell arrived a moment later and grinned broadly. He was wearing the dirtiest cowboy hat I had ever seen crammed firmly on his head. A green checked shirt was accented by glaring red suspenders and worn work jeans; combat boats were laced up to his knees.

"Well, I'm ready to get goin'" he announced, "Said ya goodbyes?"

"Yeah," Aaron answered hefting his pack strap over his shoulder again, "Look, Ruby might want to send notes back and forth while I'm gone. If you could just bring them to me, I'd appreciate it."

"No problem," Russell beamed pleased that we were getting along, "I'll ask afore I go each time. And don't worry Aaron; I'll keep an eye peeled for her."

Aaron uncertain how to react to this offer finally nodded and with a last look left. Russell tipped his hat to me and clunked out of the room. I would have enjoyed being alone but a few minutes later Wanderer tapped on the half open door.

"Is it okay if I come in?" she asked softly.

"Sure."

She came in and eased on the bed beside mine. Her big, doe eyes were considering me with gentle speculation and her tiny hands gripped the metal bed frame lightly. She was such a lovely girl; her golden hair was French braided away from her face and somewhere she had found a place blue shirt the exact color of her eyes.

"I was talking to Ian earlier."

I waited.

"We were discussing your family and what we should do about it."

"I thought that idea was out voted?" I remaindered her.

"The idea of you going back to them was, yes," she nodded, "But not the idea of bringing them both here. There is a lot of risk involved in that."

"I understand you can't risk your people for my family." I felt the familiar sinking feeling in my chest.

She shook her head, "No, no you don't understand. I didn't mean the risk to our people; I meant the risk to your partner."

"To Patrick?"

"Ruby, you are no longer a Soul, but think back to your first reaction to waking up here. What did you try to do?"

My mind flew back, "I tried to kill myself."

"Jamie told me what happened. I understand; when I came looking for Jamie and Jared with Melanie, I almost did the same thing. Melanie's uncle protected us enough till they were able to trust me and vice versa."

I nodded; Aaron had told me the story already.

"But," her voice grew softer, "Patrick doesn't have that advantage. Right now, all he knows is based off the worst of humanity. In all likelihood he believes you are dead."

She stopped as if waiting for me to tear up but I have considered the possibilities too often to be shocked by it. She went on.

"If we went after Patrick, even if we met no resistance or hindrance for ourselves, there would still be the risk that Patrick would kill himself before we could explain. He may not even still live at your old home. So you, see the difficulty?"

"Yes. But Wanderer isn't there some way that I could go to him—that I could speak to him. At least let him know I'm alive? Maybe I could help him understand and he would come to us on his own?"

Wanderer held my gaze, "Ruby would you have done that?"

My shoulders fell, "No. No, I wouldn't."

Silence fell between us. Wanderer swung her legs back and forth and then said, "I'm not trying to make you feel badly about the subject. But after all that's happened I think it's important for us to think about the effect that extraction causes. We never considered a case like yours because we thought it was impossible. We have yet to explain your eyes even. Ian thinks that we need to think through extractions a great deal more than we have been."

"Knock, knock," Jamie stood at the door, "Can I interrupt you ladies for a moment?"

"Come in."

Jamie ambled into the room, his hands in his scrubs pockets, "I just came by to see how our patient is progressing."

"Slowly," I told him.

"How's the pain?"

"Not too bad. Not bad enough for No Pain," I hastened to say, "I would love to be able to get around on my own though."

"Well, we might be able to manage that soon," he said checking my dressings and making a few notes on the clipboard on my bed, "We'll see if there is any way to get a pair of crutches. Not that you can get around that great on stairs with crutches. Knowing Maggie though she might not think that's such a bad idea."

"I heard she had all the doors fitted for locks after I tried to leave," I added ruefully, "I also heard how unhappy everyone was with that choice too."

"Yeah, well, these things happen," he shrugged, "At least, they do here. There you go."

I looked down at my leg and saw that the wound was almost completely healed. Jamie was just dusting a light powder over my skin when I noticed.

"You—you used Heal on me," I squeaked. He grinned at Wanderer and she smiled back.

"Does Magnolia know what you've been doing?" I whispered.

"No, she does not," Wanderer told me, "And she won't know what we are going to do next until it's too late to stop us."

"What do you mean?" I asked hope flowering.

"She means," Jamie said his eyes sparkling with mirth, "We're going to go get your family."

_**Review Please**_


	5. We think by feeling

**Disclaimer:**_** "The Host" and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyers. My own OCs belong to me.**_

**Chapter Five**

_**We think by feeling. What is there to know?**_

"Should we really be doing this?" I asked as I pulled bright, new clothing over my head. We had reached a kind of halfway house that was nothing more than a rough cave with a vehicle and stores of clothing in it. I hadn't seen the outside because Jamie and Wanderer had insisted on blindfolding me, "Won't you get into trouble?"

Jamie shrugged rolling a t-shirt in his hands before pulling over his hair. This was the first time I had seen him without his scrubs on and he suddenly looked older, "They'll be mad, but this won't be the first time that we've gone and done what we want. If we went by what the group said all the time, Wanderer and Melanie would both be dead and you would never have known we existed."

I smoothed a skirt around my hips and looked up as he said this, "You mean I would never have been kidnapped?"

He didn't flinch, "Yeah."

Wanderer appeared from behind some other rocks. She was dressed in a pair of olive khakis with a light tan top on. She had earrings and a bracelet on and just a touch of makeup. She held the latter out to me and said, "Here, just to spruce up a bit. We can't go into town looking like we just came out of hiding."

"Thanks," I accepted it and moved to the car.

I sat in the passenger side of the vehicle as I applied eye liner and lipstick. It was the first time I'd seen myself since I had been captured. My eyes had shadows under them from lack of sleep and my mouth had a pinched look that had never been there before. I smoothed a little cover-up under my eyes and forced a smile to my lips. Patrick had always told me that my smile was the first thing he noticed about me. Now, smiling into the tiny car mirror, my cropped hair carefully brushed and styled, I didn't even recognize myself. Would my family?

Jamie slipped into the driver's side of the SUV and jangled the keys, "Ready to go?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," I told him. Wanderer climbed in the back and buckled her seatbelt securely.

"Now there are a few rules we have to go over before we leave," she said leaning forward

We were just going over the protocol for a raid when we heard the sound of approaching footsteps. They were fast and angry.

"Get down!" Jamie hissed. We all ducked down, Jamie and I cracking our heads together as we tried to hide ourselves below the windshield line. My heart jumped into my throat when Jamie pulled a small handgun from under the driver's side seat.

Our breathing sounded loud, too loud to my ears and I was sure that we would be found any instant on that alone. Maybe, if the intruder wandered toward the clothing and food stores we might have a chance to escape but—The footsteps didn't hesitate however as a stranger's might have done. Instead, they came right to the car and yanked the door beside me open.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

It was Jared.

"Now before you go off—" Jamie began.

"We aren't going to make mistakes—" Wanderer joined in.

"We were going for my family," I finished.

Jared's eyes dropped from Wanderer to my face. Conflict raged in his eyes for a moment before he turned on Wanderer again.

"What are you doing? Ian would kill me if you got hurt and I let you go. You're not Melanie anymore; you can't go without a guard."

"It's alright, Jared, we can handle it. I'm the safest one on this raid and Jamie has plenty of experience."

"Right. And if Ruby decides to turn you in what then? If she starts screaming for help once you're in the city limits what are you going to do?"

"I have the chloroform," Jamie said giving me an apologetic look without his eyes leaving Jared's face, "We know what to do."

I swallowed remembering the gun in his hand.

"And which of you would have killed her before she escaped?" Jared challenged, "Jamie? Wanderer?"

I froze, my heart thundering in my chest as silence fell from the other two. My eye focused on my seatbelt, still clutched in one hand. I hadn't been able to fasten it before Jared had found us. As conversation swirled around my head, my eyes was drawn to the woven pattern that criss-crossed and doubled back. As much as they were unsure of my potential actions, the less sure I was of what I was going to do. Would I run? Would I try to find a way back to Patrick and Noah? Would I have betrayed them?

"Betrayed is an ugly word," I suddenly burst out.

The other three stopped talking and stared at me. I glared at the dashboard as I spoke.

"Betrayed is a hideous word. I hate it. I hate the word," I said, "I hate the images is brings to my mind and I have the fact that it is being used in connection to me."

I turned to Jared and looked him in the eye, "Whether or not you believe me, I am a Soul and I hold to the values of a Soul. Once I have given my word I will not go back on it. You can't disbelieve me if you want but I just want my family back."

Jared's eyes stared hard into mine and I found it difficult to return the stare. There was such intimidating power behind this human that I felt small and awkward beneath his gaze. Even though I felt that he doubted me, somehow his distrust birthed a determination in me that I would not fail him, I would not fail any of them. I dropped my eyes before his scrutiny was over but he seemed to make his choice.

"Okay. But I'm going with you."

"Thank you," I told him.

"Just so you know I'm doing it for Wanderer and not for you. If you do turn tail, make no mistake that I will take you down."

"Understood," I agreed.

We settled into the car and moments later were driving out into the early morning light. As we picked up speed down the highway I felt my stomach churn. Somehow soon I would see Patrick and Noah and we would be a family once more. How differently I would have acted if I had known what was about to happen.

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

Patrick Baldwin blinked slowly, his mind a fog of uncertainty. Somewhere a baby was crying, wailing unhappily. Why didn't someone pick the child up? It was a well known fact that human infants needed a great deal of attention. Perhaps the baby needed a clean diaper or maybe feeding was the more appropriate care? Sounds of other people in the room cluttered his hearing and added to his confusion. Patrick felt his head swim again; his tongue was dry as sandpaper and his teeth were coated and gritty. Why didn't someone pick up the baby?

"Ssshhh," a cool, smooth hand was laid across his forehead, "Don't try to move. You've been pretty ill."

"Uhg," he croaked.

"Let me get you some water," the voice said the hand vanishing and reappearing a moment later on his arm, "Don't move your neck at all, just drink."

A cup was pressed to his lips and Patrick automatically swallowed the water. It came too fast and bubbled over onto his chin but a soft, clean clothe caught it. He swished the water around his mouth and swallowed.

"Better?" she asked. The other voices had quieted. Patrick's vision stopped swimming and he focused on the women sitting on the edge of his cot. She was rail thin with a head of bright hair rolled into a knot on her neck. He didn't recognize her.

"W-who are you?" he managed. His faculties were coming back to him and he registered the unfamiliarity of the room he was in. It was nothing more than a cave, "Where am I?"

The baby screamed loudly and Patrick realized the child was in the next room.

"Noah," he said. It was more of an announcement; the crying child was called Noah.

"Is that his name?" the woman said relieved, "Fred, go get the baby. Don't move sir, we don't want to disturb the dressing."

One of the other men left the room and Patrick sank back once more. He was conscious of a pain in the back of his neck; a hot, throbbing pain that reached up and around his skull as if he wore a band that was slowly crushing his head. He brought a hand up to it and felt a bulky bandage wrapped around his throat. A curious hand across his chin announced the presence of rough stubble and his quick mind made all the connections. He was been wounded and unconscious for several days.

The baby's cries had creased and an instant later the man reappeared with the little fellow in his arms. He paused in the doorway, waving one of the infant's arms toward him and speaking in a babyish tone.

"Look who's awake? Daddy is!"

The baby attempted to lunge out of her arms in his direction and Patrick fumbled frantically to his feet to try and catch the infant. Pain laced sharply before his eyes and he fell to the ground with a cry. The woman, who had caught the infant, scolded the baby as she came to his side hurriedly.

"I told you not to try to move," she rebuked him, "Fred, help him up. I can't juggle both of them."

The silent man helped Patrick to his feet with both hands under his shoulders. Eyes squeezed shut against the pain, Patrick allowed him to guide him down to the low camp bed. A moment later tiny hands were grabbing at him as a tearful baby voice was complaining to him in unintelligible speech. He opened his eyes carefully to see Noah's teary face pressed into his sleeve. He felt hugely relieved and curled one arm around the tubby baby.

"Now if you can hold him I can check to make sure you didn't do anything too damaging to your head," she said. Her tone had lost its cheerfulness and she was all business now.

Patrick pulled the baby into his arms and the infant settled into a familiar niche against his father's right shoulder. He rolled to one side to give the woman better access to his neck; as soon as he did so he felt vulnerable but he couldn't think why. Woozy but relieved to have his child in his arms, Patrick tried not to winch at the pressure applied around his neck.

"What has happened?" he asked, "Why am I in this place and why am I not being cared for by a Healer?"

Her hands stopped their probing and Patrick's pain clouded mind realized that he and his son were in danger. He tried to remember something before he came here but his head ached too fiercely for anything to surface. Then a recollection of her face came to his mind.

"You're human, aren't you?"

His voice was soft, controlled yet it filled the cavern. Noah looked at his father with large brown eyes as if he heard his father's words and fully understood the meaning of it. Patrick stroked his downy cheek lovingly.

"Yes, I am." She answered breathlessly. She lay a hand on his shoulder quickly, "I'm not going to hurt you, I swear."

"May I ask you a question?" asked. Still controlled, still calm.

She came around his side and knelt down to make eye contact, "Yes?"

Patrick licked his still dry lips and hefted Noah closer against him, "Can you tell me—do you have my wife?"

_**The Host The Host The Host The Host**_

The lawn was neatly mown. The shudders had a new coat of green paint on them and the Peace roses who nodding their heavy, cabbage buds over the landscaping. The windows sparkle from a fresh washing and my heart leaps into my throat when I realize that Patrick is on the other side of the front door. That he and Noah will be waiting for me inside. Wanderer nods and Jamie squeezes my hand as I open the door and we walk in. Jared is guarding the backdoor.

Cool air conditioning washed over us and I sighed; it was wonderful. All the familiar sights and smells of my home flooded my senses and I ran my hand along the foyer table. A pile of collected mail was set there next to an artificial flower arrangement I had finished not too long before I was kidnapped. I touched one of the petals and moved into the living room.

In one corner was a bright blue toy box filled with primary colored toys. Patrick had loved shopping for the baby and we always came back from the store with more than we needed. There was a blanket on the floor with a few small babbles on it. Noah must have been playing there only a short time ago!

"They're here." I told them, "He's probably in the back with the baby. We always took time out in the morning to play with Noah, before the heat of the day set in."

"Then Jared might have already found them," Jamie said unable to keep concern from creeping into his voice. Wanderer shook her head.

"I don't think so; if he had he would have already come inside. He said he would wait for us to find him. Which reminds me that we shouldn't take any longer than necessary."

"Of course," I agreed. I lead them through the living room all sea greens and lighthouse paintings and into the yellow kitchen. We had had it built after the French style and it was full of light and air. But as I stepped into it I realized something was not right about it, something was missing.

"I-I don't," I faltered, "Patrick? Patrick! Noah? Mommy's home!"

There was no answer and I began to panic. I was about to search the backyard when Jared came through the screen door.

"No one is back here," he said, "What's going on Ruby?"

"I don't know. I don't know where they are," I said frantically. I wanted to run through the house calling their names but the look on Jared's face let me know I would be dead before I went five steps.

"Look upstairs," I said, "See if they are here. Someone go. I can stay here with Jared if you want, but go look for them!"

Jared pulled me back against him, the barrel of his gun tucked neatly under my chin as first Jamie, and then Wanderer went through the living room and back up the stairs.

"If anything happens to them, you will die," Jared assured me. I merely nodded.

"If anything happened to Noah or Patrick, I will want to die," I answered.

"Not very Soul-like of you," he commented.

"I guess it doesn't matter does it?" I snapped back.

We heard Jamie and Wanderer searching the second story above our heads. Muffled conversation alerted us to their progress. There was no scuffle, no sound of surprise or discovery. My heart sank.

"They're not here," I whispered disappointedly.

Jared's hold on me loosened as the other two arrived back in the kitchen. Their expressions who a mingle confusion and suspicion. Wanderer looked at me pityingly as if she knew what I was feeling, but how could she? She was surrounded by everyone she loved and she had never been a mother. Jamie spoke first.

"No one is here. I hate to say it, but it doesn't look as if your family lives here anymore, Ruby."

"Her family isn't here?" Jared demanded. The muzzle pressed into my jawbone and I winched.

"Jared, slow down," Wanderer put her hand on his wrist and pulled the gun back slightly, "Ruby," she turned to me, "Something is wrong here. There is little evidence that anyone has been living here for a week or more. There is dust on the toys and I'm sure that if anyone has been here only one person has. Is there a chance that Patrick put the baby into childcare?"

"I don't know. I know think so," I wrestled with the thought, "Patrick loves Noah."

"I'm sure he does but you and I both know that it is strongly encouraged for human hosts to be raised in homes of a man and a woman to help cultivate full human personality and character. If Patrick was unwilling to have a partner come and help him raise your son than he might have given the child to a couple who were interested in having a child."

Tears dripped down my face, "He would never give our son away. Noah is our son more than anyone else's. Few people even understand our reasons for not implanting; if we gave him away there is no telling what would happen to him."

"We're wasting time," Jared suddenly announced. He moved me away from him and into Jamie's hold, "We've got to get out of here before we're noticed. Or before someone arrives. This was a bad idea."

A click behind Jared made him freeze in place. I couldn't see over his shoulder but I felt Jamie's hand grip my arm. Wanderer was caught between all of us confusion on her face.

"It was a worse idea than you knew," a strange voice said, "One move and you're dead."

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